Working Toward Reconciliation
People have been hurting each other since the beginning of the biblical story. When God asked Adam why he ate the fruit, and Adam said, She made me do it, there probably was a conversation at the dinner table that night.
When Moses put his assistant Aaron in charge of the people, so he could go up on the mountain to receive the commandments, when he comes down again, everybody is bowing down to a golden calf. I imagine Moses had an emergency staff meeting with Aaron shortly after that, and said, I left you in charge. This is what goes on when I'm away?
A young John Mark leaves on a missionary trip with the Apostle Paul, and then decides to go back early, and Paul says: I'm never taking you on another trip. You're a quitter! The Bible is full of stories of people who make the wrong decision, and hurt each other. It's not new to the life of the church.
I invite you to think of a time this morning when you were wronged by somebody in the church, maybe this congregation or another one. In fact, maybe you're in this church because somebody wronged you in another church.
In today's Gospel lesson, Jesus gives some instructions for how to deal with somebody who sins against you; somebody who falls short. How do you work to restore that relationship?
I was the pastor in a previous congregation for 22 years, and there were times when I offended someone, and it wasn't the gospel offending them. Or I didn't care for somebody like I should have. There were times I needed to say, I'm sorry. And there are times when we offend somebody, and we don't even know it, or we don't know it until somebody else comes to us and say, Are you aware that so and so has something against you? So Jesus gives some instructions for how to deal with life in the community when there's a broken relationship.
Let me read again Matthew 18, beginning with the 15th verse. "If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone." Let's stop there for a minute. What would it mean for someone to sin against you? How about if someone gossiped about you? What if you shared with someone a secret that you only told them, and then you heard it from somebody else, and you felt betrayed.
What if somebody called you out in a committee meeting and you feel humiliated? What do you do? Well, sometimes we triangulate, don't we? In the church parking lot, we tell somebody else what so and so did to us, because that relieves the tension. We get somebody on our side. We get some sympathy. But now we've drawn somebody else into a the situation.
We had a Mutual Ministry committee at my former congregation, and sometimes someone would contact a member and say, I have a problem with somebody else in the church and I want to come to the committee to talk about it. And I said to the members of that committee, Before they do that, ask them if they have gone to the brother or sister in Christ to work this out. Because that's what Jesus says, "If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone."
The story right before this passage is the parable of the lost sheep, when Jesus says that if one sheep is lost, the shepherd leaves the 99 to go find it, because that one sheep is that important to the shepherd. And in that parable, he's talking about disciples who stray from the family of believers. His point is that each person in the family of Christ is critically important, and we don't just write people off, even people who sin against us.
And that's because we need each other! I need you to shore up my weaknesses, and where I'm strong I can help you. I believe we even need our disagreements. We need our differing views of things, because it helps us see the world in a bigger way. There were huge fights in the early Christian community. They had to figure out how the gospel was to be applied in very particular situations. Don't ever think that the early church was all sweetness and harmony. It lasted for about two chapters after Pentecost, and then some people start selling land, and not giving money to the church as they promised, and Gentile widows aren't being treated as well as Jewish widows, and somebody quits and goes home early from a missionary trip, and people are frustrated that Gentiles are coming into the church without having to become Jews first.
There were tremendous issues to be dealt with, just as there are today. And if we just get angry with each other, and get offended when people disagree with us, and walk away, we do not learn what each one has to bring to the conversation. I believe the church is one of the few places we have where we can come together, united in Christ, and respectfully and lovingly have difficult conversations. This is why Jesus says, We don't write each other off, even people who sin against us, because we need each other.
Why is this hard to do? One of the reasons is that when somebody sins against us, we get angry, and you know, it we're honest, anger can feel pretty good. Listen to what Frederick Buechner says about anger: "Of all the seven deadly sins, anger is possibly the most fun. To lick your wounds, to smack your lips over grievances long past, to roll over your tongue the prospect of bitter confrontations still to come, to savor the last toothsome morsel of both the pain you're given and the pain you're giving back- in many ways it's a feast fit for a king. The chief drawback is that what you're wolfing down is yourself. The skeleton at the feast is you."
Now look, there is a place for good, clean anger. Paul says in Ephesians 4: Be angry but do not sin; don't let the sun go down on your anger. Good clean anger says, Somebody trespassed against me, or they trespassed against somebody I love, and it wasn't right. Anger can motivate us to right a wrong; it can motivate us to work on an injustice. But if we continue to be angry with someone for the way they wronged us, then it can get twisted into something like resentment, and then it's not so healthy. And we are the ones who are being eaten up. We are the ones held captive. One of the amazing things about forgiving somebody who has hurt you is that you are then free to move on.
Maybe one reason we don't want to go to the person is because we have to make ourselves vulnerable. What if we did something to hurt them, and we didn't know it? Are we open to hearing that? We might learn some things as we listen to that person, we might see the person in a new way.
I wonder if one reason we don't go to the person who offends us because we just don't care enough. Dietrich Bonheoffer says in "The Cost of Discipleship": "Grace is costly because it cost God the life of his Son, and what has cost God much cannot be cheap for us." That person who offended you, that person who sinned against you: Christ died for that person as well as for you, and we dare not say that it's not worth restoring a relationship with somebody for whom Christ died.
So Jesus says, Go to the person alone. Have a private conversation. Don't wait too long, because the body of Christ is limping along as we put this conversation off. Goin private because it preserves the reputation of the person you need to talk with. And when you go, share your perspective; share your feelings. Use "I" statements- I want you to know that I was offended when you said such and such. And then listen for their story. Maybe there's a bigger picture that we don't know about.
Now, sometimes there is a power differential. It might be hard for you to go to someone when our society gives more power to that other person. Maybe we feel intimidated. Maybe it's not safe. It's why I appreciate that Jesus says, you might need to take someone with you. If there is still an issue, take one or two others with you, not to gang up on the pers<?n, but so that somebody else can listen and to add some Christian insight, somebody else can to be praying silently as the conversation happens. And Jesus says if this person is still unrepentant after talking with several people, and the sin is serious enough, and disruptive enough, then take it to the whole church body. Maybe we take it to the Mutual Ministry committee or to the church council. But the goal is still restoration and healing.
And if that doesn't happen, Jesus says something that sounds strange. He says, If the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. To Jewish ears, that would mean not having anything to do with them. They are harming the community so much that there needs to be separation.
We have a procedure for this in our congregational by-laws, and it involves writing up the accusation and going to the synod and having various wise people listen and adjudicate. The goal is still repentance that could lead to a welcoming back into the community. We might want to remember how Jesus treated Gentiles and tax collectors. Remember Matthew and Zacchaeus? They were both tax collectors- he asks Matthew to be a disciple, and has lunch with Zacchaeus. And you remember a couple weeks go, his heart softens when a Gentile woman pleads with him to heal her daughter.
So when he says, If the person doesn't listen, treat them like a Gentile or a tax collector, maybe that could also mean, Don't give up. Keep praying for them.
I believe the key verse in this passage is verse 20, where Jesus says, For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them. It took ten men to gather together in the Jewish tradition to have a synagogue, to read the Torah together. Jesus says, Even if there are only a couple of you, (which is enough to have conflict!) I am there in the midst of you. And where I am, there is the power of love and forgiveness. Remember when you go to that person to seek reconciliation, the Spirit of Jesus is in your midst.
Some years ago, I officiated at a funeral for an 84-year-old member of the congregation I was serving. I offended one of her grown daughters by something I said at the funeral. There was a conflict in the family, and she felt that I had taken a side in that conflict. And this Christian woman told me the next day how much I had hurt her by what I said. She was so angry that she ripped up a check she was going to give the church. -She told me she was offended, but that's where it ended.
For months I thought about that broken relationship. And after a time, I realized I needed to take a step to restore this relationship. I wrote her a letter and I apologized. I told her my intentions were good, and I was so sorry that I had caused her pain. And I sent the letter off with a prayer. I thought that would be the end of it; I had done what I needed to do. But a couple weeks later she wrote me back a gracious note, and told me it must be difficult being a pastor, when relationships are so complicated.
The real healing came when she invited me to speak at her local Kiwanis Club. She had forgiven me, and was welcoming me back into the human race. We worked the first step of this Matthew 18 passage, and it brought healing between us, and to the body of Christ.
Is there somebody you need to approach and say, Let's talk? By the way, in Matthew 5, in the Sermon on the Mount, Jesus says, When you bring your gift to the altar, if you remember your brother or sister has something against you, then leave your gift before the altar, and go and be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then go and offer your gift.
In that passage, Jesus says if you are the offender, if you are the person who did something wrong, go to the person you offended. That's why we have the passing of the peace before the offering, by the way. It's a chance to pass the peace of Christ to somebody you're out of alignment with.
Whatever side of the coin you're on, if there's a broken relationship, you can be - the one to reach out to the other person. We will pray a little later in our service today: Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us. Forgiveness is always a part of a restored relationship.
At the beginning of this sermon I mentioned a story from Acts, when Paul and Barnabas are on a missionary trip. A teenager named John Mark is with them, but he leaves early to go home, he quits the trip; maybe he was homesick. And when it comes time for another missionary journey, Paul says, I'll never take John Mark on a trip again. Yes, that Paul, who wrote, Love is patient; love is kind; love is not irritable or resentful! Luke, the writer of Acts says the dispute grew so great that they parted ways.
But here is how God makes good out of all things. His cousin Barnabas says, John Mark, you can come with me. you get another chance. Barnabas and John Mark travel down to Cyprus. And Paul and Silas head up for Syria and Cilicia. The good news of Jesus went to more places. And did Paul and John Mark ever reconcile?
We have a clue at the end of the Letter to the Colossians, where Paul writes, Mark the cousin of Barnabas is with me. If he comes to you, welcome him. Sounds like that relationship had been restored. Sounds like Paul was practicing what he preached in the Letter to the Romans- As far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.
By the way, sometimes the work of forgiveness that we do is just our own work. Maybe somebody from the past hurt you, and they're no longer alive, but we are still carrying around the hurt. That's work we can do; we can ask God to help us let that go. That can come through counseling and spiritual work. But God wants us to be able to move forward in our lives. It's why windshields in cars are so much bigger than rearview mirrors. God wants us to move forward.
Will you pray with me? Gracious God, you want the body of Christ to be one, you want hurting relationships to be restored so that together we can do the work of your kingdom. Give is the strength and the courage to mend relationships, and as far as it depends on us, to live peaceably with all. In Jesus's name we pray. Amen
Working Toward Reconciliation
